Today is three months exactly since the car crash. Things have sure become different for all of us, but we are trying to keep a ‘different, but still beautiful’ perspective. Shannon has come SO FAR in such a short amount of time. I am so impressed with her strength, even when she denies she has it. And so overwhelmed with the blessings and miracles that have happened for her. It’s been a crazy ride so far, and we are still just starting this circus.
There’s this thing that Shannon started doing. She rates our care. So, for example: I come in the help her bathe, dress, etc. If I forgot to put her binder on- 9 out of 10. Then I didn’t grab her deodorant, 8 out of 10, and so on. It keeps things light, we banter about how unfair the scoring is, she says she doesn’t make the rules (total lie- she completely makes them up), and we get our final score when our task is complete. Today- Shannon got a 9 out of 10 from me, because she whacked herself in the nose putting her shirt on. :D
Shannon had some friends come hang out with her today, and Rachael and I snuck out with our girlies for a mom & daughter (and granddaughter) date! I came home to these three having a blast together- and had to kick two of them out so Shannon could meet with her nurse.
It was so great to have them over spending time with Shannon giving her the help she needs so we could pretend we pay attention to the other kids in the house. Her nurse came- and she’s not so bad to work with. This was also the first day Shannon spent the entire day in her room. Partly, because she’s deciding how to decorate her transfer board, and she had it covered in stickers in precisely placed locations that no one wanted to mess us. No transfer board means no stair lift. I think she also just wanted to relax in her place for a while.
It was an otherwise difficult day for me. This new life is super hard for all of us. It took me a while to realize that my struggle is that I am really afraid. Fear isn’t a rational way to deal with things- and I know better; but feelings are real- and fear is my current companion. I took off and had a chat with a friend of mine for a while in the evening, and we came up with a solution to part of my struggle. I can’t be what all my kids need right now. So my youngest will be spending part of the summer hanging out with two friends from AZ. She needs a break from everything (read: total chaos) happening at our house on the daily; and I need a break from the guilt I feel not giving her the attention she needs.
Lack of sleep, stress, the unknown, new routines, etc. make for a horrible recipe. Some days we can sweeten it up, and it’s easy to laugh through. Most days there is only one of us having a hard day; so that’s been a blessing. But the old saying ‘when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody’s happy’ is so ridiculously true. I’ve been trying so hard to at least appear happy- that way everyone is a bit more relaxed. Some days it’s just not possible. Because: fear.
Fear is dumb. I hate it. Fear pushes out peace. Fear makes us think irrational thoughts- like ‘I’ll never be able to do this alone’. (This, being: care for Shannon while also maintaining the other aspects of my life) Of course I can’t do it alone!
A friend shared this wisdom with me:
Life is SO hard, even with the immense blessings we know we have been given from our Heavenly Father. Struggles are much more easily endured TOGETHER when we can move beyond our own comfort zones. WE must endure to the end through this mortal existence, always maintaining our eternal perspective and returning to the fundamentals in times of strife. Sometimes we need the help of others to GROW and learn, and see from a different perspective, one which pushes us well beyond the point at which we plateau. SO TOGETHER WE GROW.
It’s not about doing things alone. I won’t be alone- because- as I was reminded by said friend, people love me, love us, and we will have the help and support we need. I won’t be doing this alone- because I have a Savior who knows me, and knows how to comfort me. And- this is a family thing. We are all working on this together; so Shannon will never be doing this alone either. And this isn’t our forever. This is just temporary, even if I don’t know how long temporary is. So I shouldn’t be afraid.
Easy to say, harder when you are the one going through it. But it’s still doable, I know it is. Even after I’ve finished off almost an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s trying to drown out my fear. (I mean- everyone has their own support group- mine includes Ben and Jerry, and also Cocomels, and chocolove— and lately Dr. Pepper) It’s delicious, but, not that helpful. It’s more doable if I lean on the people I know I can call when I need help. And as my friend said: the hard part might be doing the calling. I think most of us struggle with that. Admitting we need help. But I’m working on it, as you can see. So, fear: bad. Support from loved ones: good. (I’m learning :) Trying to keep that ‘different, but beautiful’ thing going.
Please pray for Shannon to be patient with her therapists and with us while we continue to struggle through this adjustment, and for her spinal cord to heal quickly.
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